How Do You Start a Sensitive Conversation?

By Dr. Susan Heitler

May 2, 2017

How do you start talking about the Elephant in the room, about the sensitive issue that you don’t want to discuss for fear that you’ll fight about it — and at the same that is a very real problem?  

Sentence-starters, that is, phrases at the beginning of a sentence, have major impact on whether a conversation will flow in a collaborative mode or will turn adversarial. When initial words in a sentence sound safe, listeners open their ears. If the sentence starter triggers a threat alarm, ears close.

Use the following six safe starter phrases if:

• The topic is sensitive or controversial.

• You feel anxious about bringing up a subject.

• There’s been prior tension on the issue, so you feel at risk for an argument.

• A discussion has begun to slip into adversarial mode.

Note that the first four sentence starters below initiate talking. The fifth starter initiates a listening response that digests what was heard. The sixth circles you back and re-launches information-sharing, that is, talking.

Starter #1

I feel/felt _______ (a one-word feeling) when/that ________ (what it’s about).

Here is what this could look like:

Justin: I felt disappointed last night. The movie has received great reviews and yet I felt bored during almost the whole thing.

Feelings are usually expressed in one word: sad, confused, alarmed, etc. “I feel that ______,” by contrast, would express a thought, not a feeling, and generally will not suffice.

Tim: I feel that the movie was disappointing. I felt that they could have made the plot more interesting.

Expressing feelings enhances closeness between people. Be careful, however, which feelings words you choose. “I feel uncomfortable” is significantly more likely to be received with compassionate listening than “I feel mad.” Vulnerable feelings like confused, anxious, concerned, disappointed, or sad will be received empathically and accepted more easily than anger words like mad or annoyed. Pausing to choose a word to express your distress that does not come from the anger family can have positive payoffs.

To clarify the situation associated with your feeling, add a when you. The when you (or when I, when we, when they) can be added at either the beginning or the end of the sentence.

Justin: I felt disappointed when you said you’d be home at 6:30 and then came in the door at 7:00.

Starter #2

My concern is/was ______________________________________.

Justin: My concern was that I had prepared a surprise gourmet meal for you.

Verbalizing your concerns is essential to help the other person understand your situation. Expressing concerns is also a key to finding win-win solutions.

Starter #3

I would like to ____________________________________________.

Justin: I would like to enjoy our dinner now, before it’s totally overcooked. Then later, after I’m not so hungry that I might bite your head off, I’d like to talk about what happened with your being so late.

Remember to avoid “I would like you to …” Telling others what to do is a losing strategy, likely to engender resentment. It sounds controlling, not cooperative. Which sounds better to you? “I would like you to come home at the time you tell me,” or “I would like to figure out a better system for communicating about dinner times.”

Starter #4

How or what do you…?

The fourth starter, a question word, invites others to share their perspectives. Symmetry is vital in sensitive conversations.

Justin: How do you feel about talking now that we’ve finished eating?

The question-starter words how and what invite a broad range of possible answers. Journalists refer to questions that begin with these words as open-ended questions. By contrast,

• “Are you…?”

• “Did you…?”

• “Have you…?”

• “Do you…?”

invite limited Yes-No answers.

Starter #5

Yes. I agree (love, appreciate, can see, would like to, etc.) that __________.

Starting with Yes establishes that you are collaborative. Yes conveys that you are sitting on the same side of the table, together, against the problem. For uncomfortable or controversial topics, automatically starting with yes also buys you time to clarify what you can agree with in what you heard.

Judy: Yes, I’d like to talk now. And, I want to start by telling you that I totally sympathize with what you said before, that my coming home really late for dinner was difficult for you.

Reiterating what makes sense to you about what you heard clarifies which elements you have taken into your information base. It clarifies that you are taking seriously what the other person has said.

Equally helpful, digesting aloud what you have heard may clarify the opposite — that you misunderstood what someone was trying to say. Misunderstandings can be cleared up quickly this way and easily corrected with further information-sharing.

Judy: I can understand if you were mad at me.

Justin: I wasn’t mad. I was concerned. I was worried for my dinner, and also concerned that maybe something bad had happened to you.

Avoid generalities like “I agree with what you said.” Generalities sound patronizing. They often convey that you in fact did not really digest what you claim to have heard. By contrast, augmenting with additional information related to what you have heard adds even more to the collaborative tenor of the dialogue.

Judy: Yes, I can see that you would have been concerned because I usually get home when I say I’ll be there. I was watching the clock in my car and feeling increasingly frustrated.

I call these agree-and-add listening responses Digestive Listening because they indicate that you are truly thinking about the information that has been given to you. You are digesting the data to enter it into your information pool much as digesting food involves chewing and swallowing.

Starter #6

And, or and at the same time (love, appreciate, can see, would like to, etc.) _________________.

Judy: And (#6) at the same time, I was feeling (#1) desperately hungry.

Justin: (#5) Yes, I can believe that you were very hungry, given that we usually eat at 6:00. What (#4) happened that you were so late?

Judy: There was a huge accident on the highway. The traffic was stuck for so long that people got out of their cards and stood around talking. I tried to phone you and there was no answer. I wonder if your cell phone was in another room.

Beware: If instead of and or better yet and at the same time you use the linking word but, you will inadvertently delete the prior point that the two of you had just agreed upon. In addition, but could convert the dialogue immediately into adversarial mode. Use and or and at the same time to keep both viewpoints on the data table.

The 6 Safe Sentence Starters create and sustain additive dialogue. Each of you safely adds data points, together creating together a larger picture with new and mutual understandings.

Practice

The six sentence starters above will feel increasingly natural if you practice them. Try the following exercise.

Pick a friend or relative to practice with. Pick a topic. Discuss it using the starter phrases. Here are some tips as you proceed.

• Keep the discussion an interactive dialogue of short chunks, each three sentences or less, not sequential monologues.

• Follow the sentence-starter sequence exactly at first; then get more flexible.

• Take turns calling out the number of a starter phrase for the other person to give a sentence. Or call out your own numbers before you start each contribution.

• Memorize the starters so that you have them when you need them.

• Lastly, try using the starter phrases on a controversial topic, like politics, or on a sensitive personal issue.

This was excerpted from Dr. Susan Heitler’s book, Prescriptions Without Pills, 2016.

Learn more about Dr. Susan Heitler at Power of Two, Prescriptions Without Pills, and on Twitter @DrSusanHeitler.

Working with Sexual Shame

By Robert Kandell

April 25, 2017

In the first grade, I was in love with a girl named Deanna. She was slender, pretty, popular and had this long, flowing, brown hair that went down to the center of her back. Every day, during lunch hour, I would have my sandwich and carrot sticks from my Emergency 51 lunchbox and stare at her. Every… single… day. It was my first case of puppy love.

She sat at the 2nd grade table, half the length of the hall away, and I don’t think she ever noticed me. I would have given up a limb for just a moment of her attention. I had childlike fantasies of the lunchroom catching fire so I could vault over my table, pick her up, and sprint to safety with her in my arms.

One day, my friend Scottie asked what I was staring at. My face reddened and I stammered, “Nothing, you know, just looking around. Want to trade desserts?” Instinctively I knew that I had withheld the truth around my puppy love even from my best buddy. I could not be caught showing my desire to him or anyone and especially not to the lovely Deanna. It was my first experience with shame around my desire.

The origin of one’s shame is often debated. Are we born with our sexual shame or do we pick up our parental cues on how to be in the world. Children are born with a freedom around their bodies, their genitals, and their openness to the world. We are quickly taught of “what’s proper” and “what’s not”.

Fast-forward to summer camp at the age of 13. It was here where I first learned the joy of masturbation. Late at night, amidst the snores of my bunkmates, I would create a tent in my bed and furiously stroke my genitals. The sensation felt so glorious and in my young mind, I felt like I was communing with god. My body was alive, so good, and then quickly – ejaculation. Stunned, I felt nervous. What just happened? Had I just peed in my bed? Was I going to die? Did anyone notice? Of course, I had to try it again. And again.

My process of masturbating was ninja-like and I learned to be super quiet. It never dawned on me that perhaps all my bunkmates were doing the same thing. I never knew because we never compared notes. I never said out loud, “Fellahs! My masturbation was amazing last night! I learned to do this thing with my finger and then….” We were quick to share baseball cards, comic books, or tips on how to hit the fastball. We never talked about our nightly self-pleasure. We never talked about our desire. We were taught to be silent.

For the last 17 years, I have been teaching and coaching people around their relationship to desire. My overall impression is that people have a very toxic view to this powerful internal drive.

“I can’t talk about that in polite company.”

“He could never handle it if I told him how kinky I was.”

“Maybe when we’re deeper in love, I’ll tell her the truth.”

When I would inquire why people believed they could not, under most circumstances, speak proudly of their desire, their answer was usually some form of two things:

“I am too big for them to handle.” OR “If they knew the truth, they would leave.”

Our fear of abandonment, our fear of being alone, trumps our desire to be authentic. The cost of this choice is that (a) we never feel fully free with our most intimate partners and (b) our partners never truly know the deepest and sometimes most interesting parts of us.

The basis of my belief system comes down to this statement: Withholding is Lying. When you don’t tell the truth, you are minimizing your relationship and moving it towards mediocrity. Regardless of the reason you think you cannot, the truth is you CAN and SHOULD. Our shame stops us from revealing and only harms our relationships. We would rather be COOL than CONNECTED.

The method of revealing oneself can be terrifying. When we are in fear, our vigilance center takes over and the truth, the literal baring of our neck, can be daunting. The process of creating a “safe space” to allow the truth to arise is our best method to reduce shame. Below, I describe my prescription on how to create that space for more intimacy with your partner.

• One (or both) partner(s) overtly make the decision to be truthful about their desire.

• The two partners agree to start this process.

• They may set a container of time (1 day, 1 week, 1 month, etc.) that this process will continue. Setting a limit may relieve some stress with one or both partners.

• Both partners agree to (a) not shame their partner for telling the truth, (b) be active and approving listeners, and (c) allow the recipient to have time to process their own feelings.

• One person reveals a part of their personal self.

• The person receiving may (and is encouraged to) ask questions.

• The person receiving has the space to speak their response to what was said.

• The original speaker can then react to the receiver’s response.

• Repeat until the sensation goes flat.

• Take a break and integrate the truth into your relationship.

• Repeat cycle with the other person.

This process may seem either silly or daunting at first. However, when embodied with trust and a desire to connect, the amount of intimacy that is available is staggering. It is our willingness to speak the truth that empowers our relationship.

We are all born into this society of shame. We all have our own form of shame that is passed down on us. The heroes are the ones that confront these viewpoints, question them, and turn them into power. It just takes one person to stand up and say, “Enough is enough… I want to be real!” Celebrate that person and celebrate yourself. You deserve it.

Learn more about Robert Kandell at Tuff Love and on Twitter @Robertkandell. 

Starting a Men’s Group

By Host Andy Horning

March 28, 2017

One evening after work, my buddy Chris and I started talking about how hard it can be to connect with other men on a deeper level. We both had enjoyed the normal good times that guys have at sporting events, on weekend trips into the mountains, or even at parties. But those experiences left us lacking and wanting something more. We wondered what it would be like if a bunch of guys came together on a regular basis to talk about their personal lives. We wouldn’t do anything but sit around and talk – no drinking or any of the normal jocularity associated with how men sometimes interact with one another. On the other hand, we also weren’t interested in the stereotypical men’s groups at the time which consisted of drumming and what’s sometimes referred to as “father wounds.”

So, we each invited three other men to be a part of the group and held our first meeting in April of 2001, nearly 16 years ago. During the first few years, two of the guys dropped out. But, since then, it’s been the 6 of us.

We don’t have many rules, but we do have a strong desire to use the group to get more out of our lives, to live more fully. We have challenged ourselves and one another to be better men. We also support one another and bear witness to things that happen for each of us. At first, we were a bit serious in our endeavor but we’ve relaxed a bit, laugh a little more, and let it all hang out in a good way knowing that we get to be ALL of who we are with one another.

Our relationships with our significant others are often  part of the dialogue. We each bring  challenges and successes in our most intimate of relationships into the group and use the collective wisdom to help us navigate difficult circumstances. Through divorces and breakups, marriages and births, we have supported one another by asking, challenging, calling out and witnessing.  

Over time, I’ve gotten better at using the time to get more of what I want for me. I’ll share details or struggles more honestly. I’ll ask for feedback more courageously. I’ll speak or react to someone in the group with more boldness but also with more kindness and support. Having the chance to step away from my life and into this sacred space we have created with one another, allows me to call time out to my life and regroup to where I really want to be going and who I really want to be. I’m grateful for our desire to continue meeting for all these years. Of course there were times I didn’t want to go, or when I had to miss due to work commitments. There were times when I didn’t want to talk about my life or hear more about someone else’s life. But something about the fundamental action of showing up has changed me for the better. Even if I didn’t talk during a  men’s group, I would still be nourished and inspired by the vulnerability and strength of the men around me. I don’t think there’s anything more inspiring than when people are present to all that is happening in their lives, the good and the bad, and at the same time hold strong to a vision for how they want to be in the world.

For those interested in starting a men’s group, there are several books available. I suggest having more one on one conversations with men you know. From there, find the people that want or enjoy those kinds of conversations and propose to get everyone together. It might go great or it might go south but those initial gatherings aren’t groups, yet. Those first hangouts are an attempt to bring a group of men together to see if it seems like a good group that could do this a few more times. Here are resources for more information about starting a men’s group, or finding one in your area:

http://mankindproject.org

http://www.mensleadershipalliance.org

http://mensgroup.info

The Business of Selling Love

By Erin Bosik

March 14, 2017

What is love if not a language?

It’s an experience. A feeling. An action. A point of view. It’s all of these things and more, but perhaps most importantly—and for the purposes of this blog, at least—it’s a mode of communication. As a copywriter, I get to evoke all kinds of emotions through the written word, and love might actually be one of the easiest because it can manifest itself in so many unique forms.

When I think about my work in branding, the goal is pretty much always the same: get people to like you. But it’s not in some backhanded way that’s riddled with lies or false advertising (at least not the way I do it). It’s with honesty and attention and a deep-seated desire to find and bond with the people that your brand is built for. Through copy, design, strategy, research, media and a laundry list of other industry buzzwords, branding professionals try to tap into what will attract a certain type of consumer. It’s a lot like blind dating. We try to put each brand’s best foot forward, projecting an image that is authentic and ownable with a certain degree of polish, because hey, you best be putting on the shine when you meet someone for the first time.

This courtship between brands and potential buyers—be it on a package, website, social media or what have you—is an attempt to prove that THIS brand, and ONLY this brand, is the one for them. Your perfect match, so to speak. Seems straightforward enough, but the catch is that you have to know your audience. Like, really know them. After all, you wouldn’t likely fall in love with someone who rubs you the wrong way, just like you’d never buy a brand that doesn’t titillate some part of your heart or mind.

Getting people to fall for a brand goes far beyond this first flirtation though. It is an ongoing relationship that must be maintained with the utmost care. As a brand, you don’t want to be too forward (bombarding people with emails, messages and desperate marketing cries for attention), but you don’t want them to forget about you either. They (and by “they,” I mean smarter people than me who wrote articles on the subject for Forbes, Quickbooks and LinkedIn) say that it can cost anywhere from four and ten times as much investment to get a new customer than to retain an existing one. Sounds a lot like relationships, right? If you don’t act like a total jackass, you should be able to hang onto someone who loves you and is deeply committed to you a lot more easily than hook an entirely new mate.

This is where tone of voice comes in. People want to engage with brands that “get them” on a highly personal level. They want to be understood…cared for…cherished. It’s my job to help brands determine not only what to say, but how to say it. It’s about finding the sweet spot that will produce a genuine (love) connection and, as a result, enduring loyalty. From casual, conversational language to deeply emotive and provocative prose, a brand’s tone of voice is critical in its own self-identity, as well as how it portrays itself to the world.

Tone of voice and point of difference are particularly relevant to the coveted millennial consumer. They demand more from brands, expecting stories that pluck their heartstrings, positive values and higher quality products—all sold in a language they can understand. They need to be wooed, and woo we do. Nearly gone are the days of traditional marketing and communication tactics. Now we strive to disrupt categories, helping brands stand out from the crowd and speak their truths through channels that didn’t exist 5 years, 1 year, even 3 months ago. We have to make it easy for people to fall in love and we have to do it fast because frankly, consumers aren’t willing to put in a whole lot of effort to decipher a brand’s difference before they pick it or disregard it.

So as much as people might think that brand development is just trying to trick people into buying products, I submit that it’s quite the opposite. Brands aren’t trying to pull one over on you just to make a sale. They’re trying to prove that they’re worthy of your love.

Read more about Erin Bosik at erinbosik.com

Unseen Forces in the Lives of Couples

By Raven Wells

March 7, 2017

Gender dynamics in intimacy most often show up as a dance between internalized sexism in women and unconscious privilege in men.

Over years of working with couples, I’ve come to respect how influenced we all are by forces outside our awareness. Contrary to media depictions of falling in love and living happily ever, is the reality that relationship is hard work. Intimacy can be amazing, it can also bring out the most difficult and sticky dynamics people will ever experience. The longer people engage in intimacy the more likely they are to be tripped up by influences they cannot consciously see. Much of my job involves shining a light on those unseen forces and then offering skills for helping to deal with them. It’s a cool job.

When I talk about ‘unseen forces’ I’m talking about the ways in which things that happened to us in our past carry over into the present without us knowing it. For example, the way parents treat kids, the roles kids played in their families and the way kids bonded to their parents (or not), all effects the way those kids interact with others when they grow up. A different illustration of unseen forces is how traumatic incidents can create survival reflexes that spring out like a jack-in-the-box years later. I you look for it, you start to see the different flavors these influences have on intimacy. One of the lessor known/studied of these hidden influences is the impact of how our culture treats men and woman differently – gender inequality dynamics.

Culturally speaking, if you randomly ended up with male biology, the system is rigged in your favor, whereas women generally get the short end of the stick. We live in a patriarchal society with many baked in advantages/privileges for men, whether they know it or not. This gender inequality means men are less likely to fear sexual harassment or rape, more likely to be given jobs, to be paid more for the same jobs as woman, to be better represented in the media, to be better represented in politics, etc. Even after thinking about it for years, I’m still wrapping my mind around how pervasive these societal influences are. Men and woman grow up marinating in totally different social sauces that impact our development and eventually become strong unconscious forces in our psyches.

So how do gender dynamics affect intimacy? Before saying more, I first have to acknowledge that intimacy comes in many shapes and sizes. The bulk of the couples/individuals I see are ‘straight’ and the observations of this blog are tailored to them, which has put me in a sincere quandary about how to be inclusive of the LGBTQ, polyamory and gender nonconforming communities. It’s also important to acknowledge that in any configuration of relationships there often are multiple levels of the societal influences occurring simultaneously: skin color, sexual preference, socio-economic status, gender identification, religious beliefs, body type, etc. It’s a bit of a false exercise to pretend we can cull out gender from all the other influences. That being said it’s also a good place to start.

In my experience gender dynamics in intimacy most often show up as a dance between internalized sexism in women and unconscious privilege in men. When I watch couples interact, I often see a subtext in which the women feel less empowered and overly responsible, while the men feel more empowered and entitled. On the surface the couple may be talking about sex, practical responsibilities, or communication styles, but underneath there is a dynamic of the woman feeling held down/oppressed by the man and the man feeling unseen and confused why the woman is reacting to him so strongly.

There have been great strides in gender equality, but we’re far from finished leveling the playing fields. The inequities play out both in our society as well as inside relationships. Men are far more likely to feel entitled to sex, whereas woman are more likely to feel obligated. Statistically, when both men and women work, the women are more likely be responsible for child rearing, cooking and housework. It’s important to realize that while the nature of the dynamics is up/down, both men and woman suffer the consequences in intimacy. I see dozens of illustrations every week of couple’s communication glitches that can largely be attributed to the deeper gender currents underneath the conscious words being spoken.

To give a real life example, I had two couples in the same day show up in almost identical arguments. In both cases the women took care of the kids and the men were the breadwinners. Both women had asked the men about possibly returning to work or school. Assuming their partners wanted help planning for this transition, the men named various obstacles they thought their wives would have to overcome to achieve their goals. In both cases this lead to a fight. When we started to apply the lens of gender dynamics to their arguments, the women started to see they felt they needed to ask for permission and were already irritated and scared about this on some subtle level before the conversation even started. They also interpreted their husband’s attempts to name the obstacles, as if their husbands were outright saying, “Here are several reasons you are likely to fail” or “Here are the reasons I’m telling you, you can’t do it.” The men felt misunderstood/irritated, as they were only speaking the way they would to a friend. With support, the men started to see how much power they had unconsciously been wielding in the relationship and how hard it was for their wives to swim upstream in the face of that power differential.

The more one looks through the gender dynamics lens the more they will start to see both blatant and subtle examples. I feel like I’ve been handed 3-D glasses for the ‘couple movies’ I’ve been watching and the new lenses are giving shape to patterns I’ve been staring at for years. Including in my own relationship, which is both fascinating and embarrassing.

The next question is what to do about it? How do we dismantle these gender dynamics effectively? It’s a good question to sit with and a good topic for the next blog.

Travel: The Ultimate Relationship Litmus Test

By Kyle Wagner - @kylewagnerworld

February 21, 2017

Two days into the trip, we knew we’d made a terrible mistake.

We’d been dating for about three months, and it seemed as though we were ready for the big relationship test – a week away in the romantic Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania. There would be skiing and hot chocolate and après-ski cocktails. There would be delicious restaurant meals. And there would be that sweetest of getaway perks: hotel sex.

Except that it didn’t go quite as planned. First of all, he had skied only a few times, and it was a typical Eastern Pennsylvania winter. In other words, single-digit temps and ice everywhere. After a nasty fall the first day, he was done with the slopes – and with being sober. And he thought I should feel the same way. But I wanted to ski, and so I got up the next morning to snag first tracks, and by the time I got back mid-day, he was eyeballs-deep in Bloody Marys.

Needless to say, things went downhill quickly, but the blizzardy weather between us and home back in Pittsburgh meant we were stuck. We wound up spending the rest of our “vacation” slowly and painfully – and often loudly – breaking up.

Travel is one of the best relationships tests out there. Whether you’ve been dating for just a few weeks, or it’s you and your spouse of 40 years, leaving home base and your comfort zone for a world of airline delays, funky foods and sketchy map-reading can throw off even the most solid of couples.

The challenges and rewards of traveling with other people isn’t exclusive to romantic relationships, of course – anytime we take a trip with someone else is an opportunity to practice patience, tolerance and communication skills, as well as a way to learn more about ourselves in the process.

As someone who travels for a living, I probably have more than my fair share of tales about travel – and particularly travel with others – gone horribly awry. Here are three things I’ve learned along the way that can help you avoid the same experiences:

Adjust your expectations before you leave

We all know that taking a trip can be stressful, that things can and do go wrong, and that much of it won’t live up to the hype or our own romantic notions. There’s something about going away with someone we’re into, though, that seems to erase everything we know about trips to be true, and our brains latch on to only the dreamy stuff – which sets us up for disappointment and usually leads to conflict.

If you can get yourself into the headspace that you’ll just take it as it comes, with no preconceived notions of how it’s “supposed” to be, you and your significant other will have a much better time, no matter what happens.

It also helps to talk about what you think the getaway will involve. For instance, I once went on a new boyfriend’s business trip to Las Vegas, and I foolishly assumed that at some point, he would be doing business-y things, which would allow me to explore hiking outside of town. It turned out that he expected me to be waiting, drink ready, every time he had a break. Needless to say, that didn’t go well.

It’s a good idea to build in break time

It might feel strange to book being apart in a place where you know only each other or in an unfamiliar foreign country, but being together 24/7 is exactly one of the pressures your relationship doesn’t need.

We’re not talking about separating for a whole day – taking just an hour or two away from each other can breathe life back into the adventure. Especially if things have been rough (like your hotel reservation seems to have been lost in cyberspace and the whole town is booked, or a two-hour bus ride over rocky terrain turns into 10 hours).

Explore a little on your own, or take a book and a cup of coffee out onto the hotel balcony while your trip buddy takes an afternoon nap. You’ll both get some needed down time, and it’s likely that you’ll come back together refreshed and ready for fun.

Talk through things, as patiently as possible

This is a great time to practice our communication skills. If you hate it that your girlfriend is always late, or your new man likes to wander around instead of following your carefully planned itinerary, but you never mention it, it’s possible that you’ll begin to build up resentment. Then, when something difficult or unexpected happens – and remember, this is travel, so that’s pretty likely – all of your annoyance and exasperation will fuel a far more vehement response than usual, causing its own set of problems.

Head out the door with the understanding that when the going gets tough, you’ll both get going on sharing your ideas and needs – and that you’ll be open to hearing his or hers. That way, everyone is on the same page. Although that certainly doesn’t guarantee agreement or compliance, you and your travel companion will be in a strong position to negotiate compromise with mutual respect, and you’ll feel confident that you can get through this and still like each other when you return home.

Facing Cancer Together: The Power of Communication

by Dr. Katherine Puckett - @DrKPuckett @CancerCenter

February 14, 2017

When it comes to a cancer diagnosis, or any life-altering illness, relationships are affected. In some cases, this type of crisis may bring a couple closer together, while in others, it may put distance between them. Which path a relationship takes depends on the couple, their history, how they communicate and their willingness to courageously talk about the hard topics together.

As a mind-body therapist with many years of experience in social work, I have noticed that caregivers and patients commonly respond to a cancer diagnosis in the following ways:

• Patients often do not feel comfortable sharing their emotions with their loved ones because they want to be viewed as strong, have been told that they have to stay positive in order to heal, or do not want to be seen as a burden. They may feel guilty for adding more responsibilities on their partner’s shoulders. They may feel distant because physical and emotional changes caused by the cancer or treatment make them feel undesirable. And – given that serious illnesses such as cancer often force us to look at our own mortality — they may be concerned about what will happen to their significant other if they were to pass.

• Caregivers often struggle with seeing their loved one in pain and feel helpless about how to respond. They usually have intense emotions themselves, but may feel that they need to protect their loved one by not expressing their feelings. Additionally, they often take on extra responsibilities, and while they want to be helpful, they may not know how to handle the extra load.

While our response is often to close off from one another and retreat during hard times, communication is key. Sometimes, a couple is unable to bridge communication alone and a licensed therapist is needed. That is where I come into play.

My role as a therapist is to be a neutral party, available to help couples express their emotions with one another, confirm that the feelings they are experiencing are normal, and offer strategies to help them cope and strengthen their relationship. Most couples do not realize it, but they may already have tools available to them from other crises. Remembering how they handled those previous situations may help them tailor their tools for the newer challenge confronting them. Some advice I offer to patients and their loved ones includes:

• In any relationship, people unintentionally hurt each other. It’s not realistic to expect this will never happen, but what is really helpful is to develop a process to deal with these disruptions when they happen.

• Not everyone is ready to talk. Listen and be available when the time is right, but don’t push one another to share their feelings.

• Each person has a different way of communicating. When a couple doesn’t communicate the same way, this can cause a strain on the relationship. That’s why it is important to learn the other person’s communication style and to be patient.

• Discussing the hard topics can often bring a couple closer together, even though it may not feel like it at first. Some of the topics may be scary, for example intimacy during cancer treatment. Some patients lose their sexual drive during cancer due to treatment, overwhelming emotions or the cancer itself. But talking through this and finding other ways to be intimate, such as going on dates, holding hands, etc., may help a couple remain close.

• Laughing together can be healing. Laughter is a great stress buster and may be a welcome distraction from what is hard in life – at least for a brief moment. It can help the unbearable become bearable.

• Talking with other couples in a similar situation may be helpful. Going to support groups and talking with people who understand what you are going through can be reassuring. Additionally, these same people may be able to offer a different perspective and some new ideas. Just know that every couple’s experience is different, and not all advice is right for you and your relationship.

• Know there will be easier days and harder days. Cherish the positive memories and don’t dwell on the negative.

• Finally, remember that vulnerability is actually a strength and has been shown through research to bring couples closer together.

Keep in mind that there is no one-size-fits-all formula to making a relationship work during cancer. I have seen couples make the decision to divorce or part ways. For these couples, this may have been the best decision. In order for a relationship to remain strong, there has to be a desire from both individuals to work on the relationship. One couple in particular comes to mind regarding this: “Beverly” and “Tom” (names have been changed to protect patient privacy).

I supported Beverly and Tom over a period of years. Beverly was diagnosed with cancer as a young, single adult. Following her treatment, she went into remission and resumed her normal life. After dating for a period, she and Tom were married. The cancer didn’t seem to be a factor in their relationship, and they made plans to start a family. Unfortunately, Beverly’s cancer returned a few years into their marriage. The next few years were an emotional roller coaster for this couple as they dealt with more treatment, uncertainty about their future together and the loss of being unable to have children. I learned that each of them had fears but felt protective of the other and thus reluctant to share their fears. This process of trying to protect each other actually created more distance between them, and they found themselves arguing and disagreeing more often despite their love for each other. As I spent time with the couple through counseling, they began to more readily tell each other what was on their minds and to address really hard things they hadn’t been talking about at home. The couple grew closer again through this process, and found they were able to face and talk about losses or challenges as they came up.

The best piece of advice that I can provide any couple going through a life-altering illness is find a way to communicate effectively with one another. Be open to being vulnerable and talking about the “scary” topics such as body image, intimacy or the uncertainty of the future. Some patients have told me that cancer has even changed their perspective of what a good relationship is – it allowed them to examine their connection with their partner, learn what is most important to them and build an even stronger relationship.

Katherine Puckett, PhD, MS, MSW, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker. She earned a PhD from the University of Chicago and a master’s degree in social work from Loyola University. Puckett has more than three decades of experience in human services, addressing the needs of vulnerable populations who have sustained major losses. Her broad-based professional background includes leadership positions in social services and health care, with additional experience as a clinician and researcher. Dr. Puckett currently serves as the Chief of the Division of Mind-Body Medicine at Cancer Treatment Centers of America® (CTCA) and Director at the CTCA® location in suburban Chicago. Follow her on Twitter at @DrKPuckett and @CancerCenter

A Look At Season 1

In her book “Rising Strong,” Brene Brown writes about how important it is for people to tell their story. She says, “We are the authors of our lives.” Instead of “running from struggle, we turn towards truth and look it in the eye.” Nowhere else is this more necessary than in our intimate partnerships. It is imperative that we speak our own truth about what it means to be in a relationship.

Elephant Talk is a podcast, platform, and forthcoming book. For the show, we record couples sitting down face to face and talking about this thing that is their relationship. 

Since production started, we have discovered a few common themes among couples.  One is that people simply don’t talk with each other, uninterrupted, very often.  “This was great, we should do this more,” shared one enthusiastic husband. Another exclaimed, “This has been like a date with microphones!” We continue to seek out and record couples willing and wanting have courageous conversation and share their stories. We have also found that relationships themselves are different, and the uniqueness in how people love one another and make their relationships work.

We have recorded heartbreaking conversations around illness, as well as the healing recovery after infidelity. We’ve witnessed couples come alive while telling their story about how they met, fell in love and became a couple. We’ve heard a couple share how they communicated and worked through stressful situations while the husband was incarcerated. Another moving conversation was between a same-sex male interracial couple and how they’ve come to understand and deal with society and cultural biases.

In Elephant Talk, we also have a segment interviewing guests about their unique perspective on intimate partnership, such as writers, filmmakers, therapists, advertising copywriters, animal behaviorist, bartenders, comedians and more.  In a world where talking about the normal everyday aspects of real love, not sugarcoated love, is taboo, we get personal about their view on other people’s relationships, as well as their own.

As you, the listener, we invite you to join the conversation and be part of an emerging movement of talking about real love.  In other words, Elephant Talking!

Why Elephant Talk?

It was a cold morning when Sara and Robert walked into my office and sat down.  I had been practicing as a licensed couples counselor for a little over a year. I was full of optimism about the power of therapy to help couples do better together.  I still am a believer.  But something changed that morning.  I became aware of a force that kept getting in the way of nearly every couple I would see over the next fifteen years.  Ultimately, it drove me to leave my job as a therapist and start Elephant Talk.

Towards the end of that first session with Sara and Robert I asked them a question, “Who else do you talk with about these issues?” They sat silently looking stunned. I gently asked the question in a different way, “Are there individual friends or other couples that you can share some of the challenges associated with being married?”  Again, there were looks of disbelief on their faces. Finally, Robert spoke, “No way. Are you kidding? Absolutely not. We don’t talk about this with anyone. Nor would we want to. Who would want to hear us air our dirty laundry?”

This answer would be repeated again and again in some form with each couple I asked. What I began to discover is that couples are isolated when it comes to dealing with issues in their relationships. What’s even harder to fathom, is that those issues are, for the most part, very normal!

Consider the cost of a dialogue that has no outside information, data, sharing, or oxygen. I experienced couples who were suffocating from the stigma associated with attempting to be happier. Feeling pathologized as “abnormal” in a world that celebrates, and even worships, this romantic notion of “happily ever after,” couples struggling had little choice but to suffer in silence or turn on each other.

At times it made me want to scream, “You’re just not that unique! Stop killing the potential for the two of you to get through this by refusing to talk more about this with yourselves, your friends, and other couples.”  As a husband of thirteen years, I’ve experienced over and over the benefit of speaking up about real love – the sacred AND the profane, the beauty AND the challenge.

Ultimately, I was not seeing results by my encouraging couples to have more courageous conversations.  So, I created Elephant Talk, a place where couples share with one another all the things associated with Real Love.  We need a more honest and real dialogue with ourselves, with our partners, and with one another that reflects ALL of what it means to be in an intimate relationship.